Posted by: Edward | August 22, 2008

Blame Language: why you shouldn’t say should

One place where we can leverage our effort to reduce victim playing effectively is in our language patterns. We can eliminate the tendency to use blame language and make a habit of using responsibility patterns.

Probably the worst offender is the word “should.”

“You should have,” “I should have,” “It should be like…” Any time you use “should” you are setting yourself up for failure and disappointment because you are opposing what people should do with what they WILL do and what the situation should be with what it IS. Using “should” allows you to be disappointed with reality rather than accepting it and allows you to blame people for falling short of your expectations.

In truth what you are saying when you say should is that you want it to be a certain way. Take responsibility for your desire, admit that you want it and look for ways to get what you want instead of blaming people for not doing what they “should.”

“Should” presupposes that it isn’t true or won’t happen. If you are thinking about the things you want to attract into your life in terms of “should” you are getting in your own way. If it’s something you want to have happen then tell your self that it WILL happen not that it “should.” If you are thinking about things you want to be don’t think that you are “supposed” to be them. Think that you are them and then just BE them.

It’s as Yoda said, “do or do not, there is no try.”

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  1. That’s a very, very potent angle. To say you’re onto something would be an understatement, almost offensive. This is a gem.

  2. […] post by fenris23 and software by Elliott […]

    • It’s azanimg how they get away with this stuff without actually explaining how any of this works. How does shining a laser on a painful spot on the body make the pain go away?

  3. Are there any audiobooks or books on this topic?

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