Edward E. Wilson

If there is a theme of this year so far, it is grief and the powerful importance grieving has in our lives. My most recent source of grief is the loss of Shaun Bergman to cancer.

We weren’t exactly close. We didn’t see each other often. But I liked him. He liked me. There was an easiness to our friendship. And I’ve been friends with him for 20 years. I can count on one hand the number of friends I’ve had for a comparable time, and I wouldn’t need to use all my fingers.

I’d actually been seeing him more often right before cancer became the main character. Not even on purpose. He was working on a job near my work and we are. were. both creatures of habit. I’d go for my walk around the neighborhood before getting a coffee on my lunch break. He’d be out smoking, and I’d stop to chat.

I don’t even remember making that false promise to make plans and see each other on purpose. Didn’t need to. There was an easiness to our friendship.

Sometimes he’d take me into his work site to show me the cool things he was coding and creating for his clients. Just a magical use of technology. Then I’d go on my way, I’d go on with my day.

Then he couldn’t work there anymore and the narrative of his life was more and more about cancer. I followed diligently, he was such a good reporter about it. Matter of fact, subtle twist of humor, emotionally real, if understated.

Now, I wanted the story to be a story of triumph. A story of survival and recovery. I think Shaun was always more realistic about it than me. And I was such a distant observer of it.

Towards the end it was becoming more obvious where that story was going but I was still in a bit of denial about it. I started to see words like palliative, and I know what that means. I had the thought, I should go and see him. I should have already gone to see him.

And then it was too late. That’s how that goes. I know, though, he made the most of the time he had. I know he spent his time with the people he was closest to. I know he lived his life.

But I miss him. I’m going to miss him. I’m never going to run into him randomly again and have a good easy chat with someone who was and is my friend however distantly or intermittently.